I sometimes feel that this transitional weather only affects my wardrobe, but instead it has affected my mood and outlook on, well life really. I like to label this weather, snuggle weather, I don't like to go out that much, as me and the cold aren't the best of friends. Instead, I cherish quite evenings in, with my snugly jumper, woolly socks and hot chocolate whilst I watch crap TV. Basically, what I am trying to say is that this is a time for reflection for me. It is a time where I really look back at this year, and asses my successes and learning's. I don't like to believe in the idea of failure, because with everything that you do, whether it has a bad or good outcome, you learn from it.
I have written so much this year about being unhappy, taking risks and also most recently about feeling lost. At first glance, it would seem that these posts were negative, that I was deeply unhappy. However, I am not. The point of these posts was to challenge why I was feeling vulnerable in aspects of my life and to challenge it, so I could develop my mind and soul. If you know me, opening up and being vulnerable is extremely hard for me, especially on such a public platform. However, I have always been one to do the thing that scares me the most, in order to conquer it. One of my biggest fears is to be vulnerable, and by opening up with these posts, doing things that scared me like go-ape, and putting myself in new and unfamiliar situations, I am less afraid to be vulnerable.
This year has been a struggle for me. There are things that I haven't told the people who are close to me; about what I have had to do to have a purpose, to feel significant, hell to be happy. There have been times where I wanted to give up, and crawl into a ball and throw my hands up and just say fuck it. However, my internal belief system that was instilled in me by my family, to never say you can't, has always been the light in my darkest times. I have an will always push for what I think is my purpose, what makes me come alive and what makes me feel significant.
So after all of this, I was conveniently asked a few weeks ago about what my why or purpose was. To be honest with you, I didn't have to think to hard, I let my heart speak and my why is to make a difference by being creative and empowering people. One way I have done this through my network FBL Bloggers, however if I dig a bit deeper, I have done this by being open on this blog and just trying to be a good person to people around me. When I spoke my truth, I felt free and I felt complete. This has been difficult to express for most of my life. I finally feel that I have a purpose! I finally feel that I am invincible because I believe in my abilities and my drive to make a difference! Nothing, absolutely nothing will stand in my way.