Friday, 6 October 2017


Update: I wrote this post about 4 months ago and I wrote it to better understand my feelings around having depression and anxiety. This post was for me, I never thought I would post it, but after getting to know so many people who are going through the same thing, I think it makes sense to post it. I kinda of knew I had it, but when I was diagnosed with it, I felt relieved and broken. This post is about my feelings at the time. Since then, I still feel the same, but with the counselling I am starting to make sense of my feelings and make improvements. I will do an update to this post in the next few months.

my battle with depression and anxiety

I feel broken. Honestly, so empty and without purpose that it physically and emotionally hurts. Weird for me to announce, but it's true. I want to firstly apologize if my blog has got a bit sad, but I guess the whole reason I started it was a place to showcase my life, my online diary.

my battle with depression and anxiety

So without delaying further, as you know I decided to go to counseling for my anxiety. Which I talked about in my last post. The aim was to get techniques in order to deal with it, and make me feel like myself again. What I got was another realisation, the fact that I had been diagnosed with depression.

The D word, was something that plagued me for years. When told this, it turned my life upside down. My body ran cold with fear, as I was afraid of what people, especially my family, would think of me.

My battle with depression and anxiety

The first thing I thought is how will I tell my family, they'll be so disappointed in me. You see, I'm afraid of this. I never thought I'd be the girl who would suffer from depression.. I always thought that people who were depressed, couldn't get out of bed, were visibly sad... And potentially would self harm. I didn't do this, as this was a sign of extreme depression. Nonetheless, I was afraid of being judged as if you look at me, I seem to be the same bubbly Jess the go getter! But inside, I'm just existing. There is a volcano of emotions.. where I feel scared, emotional, useless, hopeless, tired and a shell of myself. No one knows what's going on inside...

I thought people wouldn't believe me, I thought that they would think I wanted attention and would make a fuss. Believe me, I don't want this. I want to be myself again, I don't want people to worry about me. Being able to open up, about this is scary, but it makes me feel like there is a light in the tunnel! I told my older sister about how I felt and she was so dope. She reassured me that everything was ok. Everything will be ok.. I just need to make the changes in my life which are creating such negativity.

my battle with depression and anxiety

It maybe a blessing this.. I've been doing things that don't make me happy for so long, I'm tired. Maybe this is a sign to take control of my life fully and without regrets. I know I'll be ok. Especially as I've got a wonderful support system.

It's ok, I'll heal. Have you ever gone through something like this?
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