In no way am I bashing other people with it, But I just want to communicate my feelings around it. I've always been a strong person, I'm from a family of fighters. I'm African, Ghanaian to be exact. If something knocks us down, we dust ourselves off and deal with it head on. We don't dwell, we don't worry, we're the back bone for people. We are not the type of people that need to be saved we do the saving.
I can't be the back bone for others if inside, I constantly feel like I'm crumbling. Sometimes, I feel like I'm going to explode with so many emotions, that it's hard for me to articulate what I am feeling. I've always found it difficult to express when I'm feeling vulnerable, I cannot speak up until it gets too much. As a result, there are a multitude of things which have led to this point, where I'm anxious all the time. Inside, I feel I'm suffering, tight chest, worrying thoughts about who I am, what people perceive me to be. That I'm not good enough. That'll never be successful in anything professionally and personally. It's a toxic cycle. I have to push myself to not think of these negative thoughts, and it's so tiring, my God.
That's why I always have quotes on my Instagram, as a reminder of how I'm feeling and to be strong. Luckily, I have very supportive family and friends, who love me. It's just I don't trust myself or I am afraid to feel weak to them, by expressing who I am. Being seen as "weak" and not the "I have my shit together Jess".
I haven't always been like this. If you know me, you'll know I'm a confident person with my shit together. I think as people, we have so many layers and partly that is true. I have a great poker face and on the surface you'd never know how I was feeling.
But as I wrote in my previous post, I've been in need of a break, which I actively do to make my mind and soul breathe and take head of my life. This anxiety, I have, will not always be here. But it is a big indication, that something needs to change in my life. There are several things, I am now confident to say, have broken me down... And I was to scared to say it. Which is why, I personally asked my doctor to refer me to a counselor rather than medication. As I wanted to understand why I'm feeling this and make positive choices, to rectify my life to make me, well me again. I don't feel like Jess, I feel like Jess on autopilot..just going with the flow.
Anxiety itself is tricky to understand. But I found this nifty diagram on Pinterest to explain how I feel. Boy was it helpful.If you're feeling down, please talk to someone. Someone you trust and don't be embarrassed.. I know I am at the moment. Only because of the perception I have of myself. However, what I've realised, now by writing this post is that it's something a lot of people go through. Alot.. and my older sister said something quite insightful..this world is so stressful, I am surprised a lot of other people don't have anxiety.
Phew..so glad that's off my chest!