Update: I wrote this post about 4 months ago and I wrote it to better understand my feelings around having depression and anxiety. This post was for me, I never thought I would post it, but after getting to know so many people who are going through the same thing, I think it makes sense to post it. I kinda of knew I had it, but when I was diagnosed with it, I felt relieved and broken. This post is about my feelings at the time. Since then, I still feel the same, but with the counselling I am starting to make sense of my feelings and make improvements. I will do an update to this post in the next few months.

my battle with depression and anxiety

I feel broken. Honestly, so empty and without purpose that it physically and emotionally hurts. Weird for me to announce, but it's true. I want to firstly apologize if my blog has got a bit sad, but I guess the whole reason I started it was a place to showcase my life, my online diary.

my battle with depression and anxiety

So without delaying further, as you know I decided to go to counseling for my anxiety. Which I talked about in my last post. The aim was to get techniques in order to deal with it, and make me feel like myself again. What I got was another realisation, the fact that I had been diagnosed with depression.

The D word, was something that plagued me for years. When told this, it turned my life upside down. My body ran cold with fear, as I was afraid of what people, especially my family, would think of me.

My battle with depression and anxiety

The first thing I thought is how will I tell my family, they'll be so disappointed in me. You see, I'm afraid of this. I never thought I'd be the girl who would suffer from depression.. I always thought that people who were depressed, couldn't get out of bed, were visibly sad... And potentially would self harm. I didn't do this, as this was a sign of extreme depression. Nonetheless, I was afraid of being judged as if you look at me, I seem to be the same bubbly Jess the go getter! But inside, I'm just existing. There is a volcano of emotions.. where I feel scared, emotional, useless, hopeless, tired and a shell of myself. No one knows what's going on inside...

I thought people wouldn't believe me, I thought that they would think I wanted attention and would make a fuss. Believe me, I don't want this. I want to be myself again, I don't want people to worry about me. Being able to open up, about this is scary, but it makes me feel like there is a light in the tunnel! I told my older sister about how I felt and she was so dope. She reassured me that everything was ok. Everything will be ok.. I just need to make the changes in my life which are creating such negativity.

my battle with depression and anxiety

It maybe a blessing this.. I've been doing things that don't make me happy for so long, I'm tired. Maybe this is a sign to take control of my life fully and without regrets. I know I'll be ok. Especially as I've got a wonderful support system.

It's ok, I'll heal. Have you ever gone through something like this?


  1. You are so strong. Don't let your diagnosis get you down, your mental health doesn't make you any less of a person. The fact that you found the courage to talk about it is an achievement in itself. Your blog is an achievement. Your blogging community is an achievement. Depression and anxiety sucks but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sorry for the soppy comment.

    Keep your head up <3
    Samantha - @SamNLDN

  2. Yours is the third post on anxiety and depression that I've read in the last two days, and it''s something I have struggled with myself for most of my life. It's wonderful that you have counselling. The woman I see for therapy has been an immense help to me.
    Two other posts I read on the subject recently, one recent:
    and an older one:
    Kudos for having the courage to write about it. You are definitely not alone, and you may help others who feel as you did to have hope, talk to someone about it and even develop new friendships.
    P.S.: Your off-shoulder knit green top, jacket with floral embroidery and blue denim jeans look wonderful styled together. I love the look.

  3. Very pretty and brave. AI feel so sad to that you are going through this. One thing you need to realise is that. I will always be there for you no matter what. I will never judge you. I wish you all the happiness you derserve. Believe it will bee ok because God sees what you are going through and believe that he will fix all your problem. Have faith.
    Love you so very much.

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